Announcement
Welcome back, and if you’re just joining us we are sitting here in the press room awaiting an announcement from The Shep on what his plans are for the future.
That’s right, Chip. As you all know he went into hiding just after August of 2009 without any goodbyes or even hints at a return. Now we’re expecting The Shep in just a few moments to touch on some very key points about his demise and what’s been characterized by some critics as his eventual “comeback of the decade.”
Even if we’re just about a month into the new decade and his alleged “comeback” will most likely be superseded by many far superior and more impressive ones in the near future—
But let’s forget that pressing fact and focus on this press conference here and now, right? Who knows what this could mean for his future, the internet’s future? Back six or seven years ago, for instance, no one thought a stupid show about polygamists would take off, and now Big Love is moving onto its fifth season on HBO.
Arbitrary comment; your point?
I’m just saying that The Shep’s comeback announcement today could be a new beginning to great things. Now we’re heavily anticipating what he has to say about his famed blog, The Shep Says, which took off last year and fast became quite the phenomenon. Am I right, Chip?
Right you are. I certainly never expected such tremendous quality of content to arise from such a small and vapid brain.
Which is why his alleged return will prove to be more stunning than ever.
Well, we’ll see about that.
Hold on a sec.
Yes, it looks like The Shep is taking the stage right now, and the crowd is offering quite the warm welcome! He’s - oops, a little stumble on his way out - he’s slowly and carefully making his way to - there he goes.
The Shep just fell off the stage and…
…he’s okay. He’s gotten up but appears to be quite intoxicated. Now let’s see if he can get back up there and make it to that podium.
The crowd has hushed after a little panic and now he’s… yes, let’s listen in on this long-awaited announcement from The Shep:
“People of Cyberspace! Welcome. Thank you for being here, and thank you for the generous welcome. Most of all, thank you for your support over the past year. I come to you today bearing what may be wonderful news to most of you. This. Is. It. I’ll be performing the songs my fans want to hear. This is it, I mean, this is really it. This is the final curtain call. Kay? And I’ll see you in July, and… I love you. I really do. You have to know that I love you so much. Really. From the bottom of my heart. This is it, and see you in July!
Just kidding. I’m drunk, I, I was doing carbombs with Chris Matthews backstage and he dared me to do the MJ bit. No, seriously, I…
…And it looks like The Shep just vomited on the podium. A surprising cheer from the crowd. Let’s see what happens next.
It’s fake, I promise. I planned this. Really, I did.
More cheers. This certainly is not what I expected.
I’m back! After a short leave of absence I am back in the blogosphere, as any cool person would call it. Yeah, I’m really back. Now that I have a little bit more free time I can finally focus again on what I care about most: humiliating people for personal gain. I’m kidding! I’m back, but this time in a truly new way. I may end up recycling bits of my celebrated “Music Recap” and “Catch-up Links” eventually, but for now I’m just going to focus on little fun writing pieces like the one this press conference will become in just a few moments.
The Shep really just fucked with our minds right there.
So that’s it. You can expect to read more on a weekly basis. And, as always, feel free to e-mail me and comment on what you feel should happen next; I’m always open for suggestions. Thank you.
And it looks like he just wrapped things up. Now if he can make it off the stage without falling on his face or getting sick I’ll be impressed.
You know, aside from his behavior, The Shep delivered just what his audience wanted.
The burrito he ate for lunch?
Let’s be serious, Chip. You know, he’s always been a very simple and minimal man, and this speech just now was kind of exactly what I had expected.
What’s this?
It appears The Shep is posing for a photo with Chris Matthews at the far end of the stage.
I don’t believe it. How does he do it?
Well that just about concludes our broadcast for now. And remember to log onto theshep.tumblr.com to see what happens next. Thank you for listening, and now back to your regular programming, “Goose, Moose, or Loose?”.
